Dave Jones
Green Lights
Room 101

Green Lights Room 101

Issue 26 of TGTLS News saw one Enfield personality - Neil Avey - try to pull the wool over the eyes of another - Pete Coath. Did any favouritism creep into the proceedings or did Mr C have a sudden ruthless urge to slash his co-editors contribution to shreds? Even more importantly, does anyone care?

1. *Mexican waves* If there's one thing that baffles me, it's the idea of paying 20 for a seat at a football game, then spending the rest of the afternoon acting out a human wave for the benefit of a TV cameraman to pan around the stadium. The next time the person next to you stands up and acts in this demented manner, I want you to do what I do, and put something messy on the seat. Works a treat every time! Wave devotees argue over what country actually started this craze HELLLLLLLLO.

Yeah, I've heard those stories too - American College Football (the Gridiron sort) was supposedly responsible for starting this phenomena and it only picked up the Mexican tag after the 1970 world cup. For years I actually thought a Mexican Wave was just a cruel description of Peter Bonetti trying to stop West Germany's winning goal. Anyway, I preferred the 1960's English 'Match-of-the-Day' version where the crowd surged forward in a most dangerous manner when someone scored (as good a reason to move to all-seater stadia as any, I suppose). We also have the Enfield version where everyone jumps on top of Nicky Fartarse, but that's another story. Anyway Neil, don't you think that putting do-do's on someone's seat is a bit naughty? 0/1

2. *Jonathan Pearce adverts* The first time I heard a Brazilian commentator celebrating a goal I thought it was funny. Now we have Pearce and the novelty is wearing off fast. Pearce will never truly make the grade as a TV commentator, as his rancid ranting does not fit in with the events on the pitch (as the meagre Channel 5 audiences know). But it is for his adverts that I detest him most. You know the kind I mean, the way he commentates on condensation running down a pint; a man making his way to the bar. The frightening fact is that he is likely to be around for a very long time. I will be so gutted if this one escapes Room 101.

His voice may annoy you but the content of some of his radio commentary is, in my opinion, totally unique - JP is the only soccer commentator to have ever sounded plausible whilst describing foreign riot-cops as 'Some sort of Old Bill'. He does a good job on 'Robot Wars' too - you must have you seen it Neil? His adverts, on the other hand, go straight through the door - not because of him, but just because I find most adverts rather boring anyway. Besides, I cannot have you feeling 'gutted' just yet. 1/2

3. *Martin Chivers* Ex Tottenham miserable old sod who wouldn't give me his signature at the Spurs old Cheshunt training ground in the early seventies. Said that he didn't sign bits of scrap paper, and would only sign an autograph book. What did he think I was going to do with his signature? Forge it maybe? He could have put me off football for life, for God's sake!

I remember Chivers in his early Spurs days. Chances are your piece of paper upset him because he was not able to hit anything that small without some considerable help from his team mates. You sure brought back some memories by mentioning him though. There was a time when Spurs were all-powerful; a team to be feared; daunting yet glamorous; hard and physical yet entertaining. Of course Chivers and his ilk then came along and ruined it all, so good for him (but not for you). 1/3

4. *Penalty kick unfairness* So you are playing a side that is down to ten men, and the game goes all the way to a shoot out. The other side were punished for an offence in normal time and played the rest of the match with a man disadvantage, so why then are they on equal terms in the shoot out? England should have had four kicks to Argentina's five in the World Cup - not that it would make that much difference anyway!

Stop! The rules of this fine game have been messed about with once too often. Why not make one team take their penalty kicks from the half-way line if they spend more time defending in normal play than their opponents? I think your point could have been better put if you had said that England could have had FORTY-four kicks and still lost to the Argies. 1/4

5. *Premiership/League fans* who ask... 'What League side do you support?' I sigh, and tell them slowly that I support Enfield out of all the clubs I could choose.

Why the sigh? I usually puff my chest out with pride when I tell the world where my loyalties lie. Mind you, they usually then run through the list of tired jokes about non-league football - you know the type I mean; Enfield's biggest gate? Six foot six! etc. etc. - so your sigh is perhaps quite apt after all. The pre-season friendly games gave us a good chance to observe our Premiership counterparts at close quarters and I must admit that I was not impressed at all. Arsenal's followers looked so dead scared that they might not beat us that you would have been forgiven for thinking that the double itself was up for grabs, and West Ham's supporters quite simply could not comprehend the fact that their club actually even had a reserves or youth team. Yup, it's into room 101 for the lot of them. Final score 2/5 - not so good Neil!

Green Lights Room 101 is open to all. Just list the five things that you most hate about football and we'll see if they are worth consigning to room 101, or being thrown back in your face! Entries may be written, typed, tape-recorded, filmed by hidden video camera's in a strange Hotel room, or in any other media format that you should choose. Alternatively, why not sit in judgement on someone else's entry and feel the power that WE have for the last few issues!

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